“Love is empty of ego; ego is empty of love…” (Sai Baba Indian Spiritual Master). Have you understood? Well uh, I reassure you, instinctively we are all the same. You think you act for the sake of your darling, you mater, you “advise,” you think to please him or instead make you happy? He or she does not like what you like? Are you jealous (compulsively)? He or she does not think about you 24h? And if there is rebellion in the air, you go up on your big horses without trying to understand.
Well, yes, it’s your ego that is affected, and the truth is that you can not stand it! Tell yourself that the other is not your toy and that nobody belongs to anyone. He or she is not you! Also, you certainly know the book “Mars and Venus”: men and women react differently, women are more sentimental and men more pragmatic, so their love does not manifest in the same way. So, put some water in your wine and listen to your half. To love the other one is to understand him, not to think in his place, not to think that I know an, it’s hard to cash! Love brings back to you neuroses or injuries of the past such as the fear of abandonment, the fear of losing the other, the fear of loneliness, lack of self-confidence or the need to be protected. So you become jealous, possessive, manipulative. The emotional dependence and frustration settle. These evils belong to you, and involuntarily your half suffers, and you make him, often unconsciously, life unbearable.
Your fears are not his, and it is up to you to manage them, to know their origin and to remedy them as quickly as possible, at the risk of systematically repeating the same disastrous love scheme. Do not blame the other for your neuroses (and yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s not always the fault of the other). Sometimes we can even speak of “unconscious collusion” when we choose the other because we think that it can cure us of our problems, we idealize it, and this ubiquitous attitude does not promote true love and in the long term can destroy this relationship initiated on a misunderstanding.
Love and illusion: you think the beloved being is the absolute guarantor of your happiness
“Never put the key of happiness in someone else’s pocket” (anonymous author). Do you think you have found the Grail in your darling’s person? He or she protects you from everything and has full responsibility for your happiness? Unfortunately, it’s a lure! In the meantime, hello the pressure. Not to mention that it’s guilt for the other. A relationship that is too fusional is destructive because you expect too much from each other. So to evolve into a healthy relationship and truly love each other, already love yourself and gain self-confidence and then alternate moments with your loved ones alone or surrounded and moments to you alone or with your relationships.
Tell yourself that you can not share everything with him or her because it’s healthy, you have different personalities, and the other does not necessarily have the same interests as you and it’s very good like that. Also, tell yourself that you are the only person you have to endure from one end to the other of your life, so happiness depends on yourself and no one else! Even if it is necessary to make compromises in a couple (because we are not animals, we must be happy too), giving full powers to the loved one will make you unhappy. So keep your garden secret and some freedom.
Love and dedication: you do not set limits
“Never let anyone judge your life and your choices because nobody has lived the same thing as you” (Anonymous author). And yes, you have the darling you deserve! Under cover of your love and your admiration for the other, you show extreme devotion, and you forget about the benefit of the other, especially if you are a woman (the question of education perhaps).
Certainly, you believe in doing well, but alas, it is to your detriment. Above all, if the other does not react like you (he can sometimes even feel choked). You thus feel a lack of recognition and frustration, and then there, if you accustom it badly from the beginning by a surplus of attention, hard to go back. I advise you all the same to avoid the error of “giving giving” that is systematically wait for a return of the other because proof of love must always be disinterested and more the other does not have the same way to give you (I refer you in the first paragraph on the ego).
Nevertheless, you must imperatively remain true to your values and not accept everything from the other, which, meanwhile, must respect and understand you. From the moment you feel that you lose your identity, the relationship is wrong: for example, you must not accept inappropriate criticism of your family, your religion or your friends at the risk of finding yourself isolated and chained to the beloved and wake up too late realizing that you have passed by your life.